Our Final Post!

Hi everyone,

I can't believe it's been five weeks. It's not possible!

It has been such an honor being here. PNN is truly a special place. I'm not sure I've seen anything like it in the blogosphere. These are conversations based on real connection. It is very special.

I know this work has been tough for many of you. It was (and still is) tough for me. The bottom line is - I think it's worth it. I think we are worth it.

We all deserve to be deeply seen, known, and loved. I think believing in our own authenticity is the first step in that process.

As much as I believe in the hard soul-work, I also believe in creating joy.

Shame.Less Joy.Full! That's my motto.

So, in closing, I'd love to know what brings you true, authentic joy?

For me, it's being with women like you. It's real conversation with real people.

Thank you so much for letting me be a part of this.

I can't wait to read about what makes you joyful!

A PNN Giveaway!

Hi everyone,

One of my favorite writers/artists is Terri St. Cloud of Bone Sigh Arts.

She has some of the most powerful quotes that I've ever read.

One of her quotes has really been speaking to me lately. I think because of our authenticity work and my writing.

She calles it "the whole."

"she could never go back and make some of the details pretty. all she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."

This week I'm giving away 2 prints with this quote and a lovely felted chicken by my friend, Ann Tucker of The Lavendar Tree.

Hop over to my blog and leave a comment to win. Your chances are pretty good because I'm actually going to give away a 3rd print to a PNN friend. Just put PNN next to your name when you leave your comment!

Week #3

Hi everyone,

As I read through the conversations, I'm blown away by your honesty and courage. This really is a special place.

One of the themes that seems to be running through the comments is "the curse of perfectionism."  It's impossible to talk about authenticity and/or shame resilience without talking about perfectionism. 

Something that has profoundly helped me in my own struggle with perfectionism is having a more accurate definition of what it is and how it works. It's so easy to confuse it with "being our best" - which is something we all want. I recently introduced a new definition of perfectionism into the research literature. I'd love to share it with you here and have a conversation about it as part of our athenticity work!

Here it is:

"Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: 'If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.'

Perfectionism is defeating and self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying to manage how people see us.

Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough so rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.

Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: 'It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.'

To overcome perfectionism we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment, and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self-compassion.

When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections. It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts and strengthen our most meaningful connections."

B. Brown (2009).

In case I haven't mentioned it: this an on-going struggle for me. A daily practice – like authenticity. Having words wrapped around the feelings is always helpful to me (in case you didn’t notice).

This definition also helps me get my head around the vast differences between perfectionism and healthy striving (when you're striving to be better for yourself and for positive reasons, not to avoid shame, blame, and judgment). It also explains why perfectionism is the enemy of creative work and any other type of risk-taking.

Thoughts? Ideas? Curses?

Week #2

We are off to an incredible start!  I loved the conversation sparked by the first post.

This week we're moving down the authenticity definition to the piece on courage:

"Practicing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to embrace our vulnerabilities."

As our last conversation demonstrated, we can't be authentic without courage.

Interestingly, the root of the word courage is cor-the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage literally had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has actually changed, and today, courage is synonymous with being heroic or performing brave deeds.

Heroics and bravery are important, but I think we've lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we and about our experiences (good and bad) is the ultimate act of courage. Heroics is often about putting your life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting your vulnerability on the line. In today's world, that's pretty extraordinary.

For me, practicing ordinary courage means telling my imperfect, messy, wonderful, crazy story with all of my heart.

It also means setting boundaries - like saying NO! rather than saying "Sure, I'll do it!" then being pissed-off and resentful. I even bought myself this ring for my 40th birthday that helps me with the "just say no" issue! (PS - look for the video with the quilt)!

It also means saying "YES!" to self-care.

How do you practice courage around boundaries? What are your strategies for saying "yes" when you really want to and "no" when you really don't?

How do you embrace your imperfections and vulnerabilities?

TGIF!

Hi everyone!

If there's one thing I've learned doing this kind of soul work, it's to make time to practice gratitude!

Every Friday we celebrate TGIF on my blog - Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration Friday.

This week I have a really fun giveaway to go along with TGIF.

Hop on over and share your TGIF with us!

The Audacity of Authenticity! Post #1

Welcome everyone!

I'm so excited to be spending the next few weeks here at PNN!

I love the conversations, storytelling, and sharing that happens on this site, so I thought it might be the perfect place to launch an authenticity journey.

2007 was my breakdown/break-through year. My therapist called it a spiritual awakening (which sounds so much better). I think we were both right and I'm even starting to wonder if you can have one without the other.

The stars were perfectly aligned for a breakdown: I had just given up flour and sugar, I was in complete burnout from my work, and I was right on the cusp of my midlife unraveling.

And, to make matters more complicated, I was feeling absolutely betrayed by my own research.

After years of studying shame, vulnerability, and empathy, I realized that I had all the data I needed to answer an even bigger question, like, "How are truly joyful and resilient people living?"

I had collect thousands of stories from men and women around the country and their stories held the answer to this critically important question. As I started analyzing my data I hoped with all of my heart that my findings would match how I was living. I wanted confirmation that I was doing everything "right."

There was no confirmation. In fact, it was a painful wake-up call. I was very stuck in perfecting, performing, and pleasing. I wasn't fully using my gifts. What I found was a profoundly transformational experience for me - personally and professionally.  

Men and women who are living joyful, engaged, and resilient lives are constantly cultivating three things:

Authenticity

A Sense of Love & Belonging

A Resilient Spirit

As I searched through my data, I found 15 guideposts that these men and women use for their journey - a way of living that I call the Wholehearted Journey.

I'm working on a book right now that is going to be about this journey and the 15 Guideposts. It's called, "The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are." It comes out in May 2010 and I'm really excited!

For our journey here on PNN, I thought we could focus on the idea of Authenticity. I developed a definition for authenticity based on my research. It's the definition you see above. (I'm still figuring out this system) I'll try to get into this post when I can!).

There's a lot to it and I'd like to spend the next 5 weeks unpacking it and exploring what it all means and how we can work together to practice authenticity.

I'll post once a week and leave questions and prompts. We can have conversations in the comments and work through it together.

This week I want to start with the idea that authenticity is a practice. Before I started doing my research I always thought of people as authentic or inauthentic. Authenticity was simply a quality that you had or that you were lacking. I think that's the way most of us use the term: "She's a very authentic person."

But as I started immersing myself in the research and doing my own "personal work," I realized that, like many desirable ways of being, authenticity is not something you have or don't have, it's a practice, a conscious choice of how we want to live.

For this journey, I think it would be helpful if we start by picking an area in our lives where we'd like to practice more authenticity. Maybe at home or work? With certain friends? Play groups? On-line?

Also, are there areas where you feel very comfortable practicing authenticity? Areas where you feel especially comfortable in your own skin? Sometimes identifying those areas is a hopeful place to start. 

Authenticity is something that we have to work toward everyday. Trust me, even though I know plenty about authenticity and it's something I work toward, if I am full of self-doubt or shame, I can quickly be anybody you need me to be.

For me, I'm good at practicing authenticity in my career. I'm very real at work (in the classroom, presenting, writing, etc). My struggle is more around other moms at my kids' schools. This is where I have the tendency to shrink or puff-up.

What about you? What would you like to focus on for this journey?

PS: If you'd like to download a printable copy of the definitions, we have two styles available on a .pdf. You can grab it here. You can also grab an authenticity badge here! If you're thinking, "Who is this person?" - you can check out my bio here and my blog here!